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A ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize.

The blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."





The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his private parts with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked. You're supposed to turn your clock back".

There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.

The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.

The lawyer fires his first question "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

The lawyer's face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, "Well, what is answer?"

The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.

The secret to long life...

A Doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above:,

She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,

“I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret, the Doctor asked?”

She said “I smoke ten cigars a day,” and before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.

Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels Whiskey every week, and eat only junk food.

On weekends, I pop pills, and I don’t exercise at all.

“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

“Forty,” she replied

Drafting Guys Over 60. This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier. New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!


I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 AM. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell? Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already
up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY! How about recruiting Women over 50 . . . in menopause? You think MEN have attitudes?
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

Send this to all of your senior friends . . . It's in big type so they can read it.

Heh.



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